Fear crept in as we watched him try to sleep in the hospital bed those cold March nights. Fear for what his new life would bring to our family. Fear for the pain he would likely endure. Fear for his very life. In our fear, God held our hands as we poked his tiny fingers and gave every shot. With each day we gained strength and perspective. We came to realize the gift we had been given. I no longer fear for his life the way I did and I no longer fear that I won't be able to make it through the day. I am thankful to be out of this tight grip of fear. He endures much pain, Ken and I and the other boys endure much pain. We have a very different family life than most of our friends and I am still tired most days from the constancy of diabetes in our life. I wish we could have a break, even just for one day. It is not to be. And I am ok with it. Fear holds no power over me any longer.
I pray daily for diabetes to be completely removed from his body and I know God hears my prayers. For whatever His reasons are, Jackson has diabetes and right now it's the way God wants it to be. And I am ok with it too. I am reminded of Romans 8 on a daily basis. There are so many great nuggets of God's truth found there from dealing with our fear and for knowing that God does not see Jackson's diabetes as BAD. That is a human label. Only He knows what wonder can come from this disease and HE is working it in our lives and the lives of the people we encounter.
I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me yesterday in such a unique and made just for Jennifer way. Isn't it so cool how He works???? I haven't been feeling well, but I had planned out supper anyway. When I woke from a nap yesterday afternoon, I had a very distinct craving for Subway. I rarely crave food in this way, but I didn't really think much of it. So I called Ken and told him I thought he should pick up Subway sandwiches for supper after he dropped Kenny off at practice. All I could think about was those sandwiches... As we sat down to eat, I started to laugh and cry all at the same time. When Jackson was in the hospital he wasn't talking at all, but after the 2nd day he sat up when Ken and I were eating Subway some dear friends brought in for us and said as clear as day, "I want those chips!" (I rather unwillingly gave up my bag of Doritos...) I will never forget the joy I felt and still feel to this day that he was being healed and made well by our Father in heaven through a tiny vial of clear fluid. My tiny baby was going to be ok. And he is still ok - THRIVING even! I was thankful that the Holy Spirit spoke to me in terms I can understand. There was no question on how the Lord wanted me to view this week. Not to remember the pain and fear, but to remember the joy I felt in his return to wholeness, diabetes and all. And I am ok with it.